I’m Trying To Find This Girl

There was this girl in middle school who was pretty, and nice, and she talked to me once.  That was enough for me to fall in love with her.  I’d like to think I’ve matured since then but that’s still about all it takes.  By my count, I fall in love on average about four times a week.  Sometimes I sneak in a stipulation regarding intelligence in an attempt to augment my standards but I often find my regard for it muddled in the sub-conscience desire I have to put my penis in, on, or at least next to the girl in question.  It’s not a conscience choice because I’m so self deprecating that even in a state of reverie I can’t get laid.  In my imaginary world, that I have complete fucking control over, I somehow manage to shit all over everything.  I end up with a modest fantasy about getting coffee with a girl I know nothing about, and with Pygmalion like control, shape her as I see fit, chiseling away the imperfections and filling in the cracks until she is perfect.  Having carved a woman from ivory who is far too good for me, I am of course rejected and am forced to go home and masturbate myself to sleep.  But that’s in my fantasy.  In real life I’m actually masturbating fantasizing about masturbating after rejection.  Rejection itself seems great but I never get that far.  It’s very confusing.  It’s like watching Inception but with your dick in your hand and considerably more crying.

I blame all of this on Marry Poppins of course.

You’d like me to explain that wouldn’t you?  Okay.

Every person around my age or younger had that one movie they would watch over and over again as a child.  Usually around the age of three or four we would come across a cartoon, fall in love, and that’s all we’d ever want to watch for the next year.  I think this might be the first thing we ever love actually.  I didn’t know this until about a month ago, or maybe I had banished it to the deep, dark recesses of my forgotten nightmares, but when I was four years old my cinematic love affair was with a retarded musical by the name of Mary Poppins.

Sweet merciful Christ, there’s no way that didn’t fuck me up, right?  You might be able to watch that movie a couple times and still maintain your sanity, but not everyday for a year straight.  This rosy cheeked nanny, who clearly dabbles in cocaine as much as she does witchcraft, comes down from the clouds on a fucking umbrella, blows a bunch of little old ladies down the street, and then has the audacity to declare herself perfect in almost every way like she’s the the second coming of the messiah.  She’s a selfish, disciplinary bitch who is about as pompous as the pope and is so implausibly happy she can actually sit through a fifteen minute dance routine between five animated, indentured penguins and a lunatic chimney sweep pretending to be a penguin.

I’m surprised I have my shit together as well as I do now.  It should be considered child abuse to let that happen.  Make me watch racist shit like Dumbo.  Hell, make me watch Dwarf Goes Fishing or Ernest Scared Stupid.  Anything.  But Mary Fucking Poppins?  Really?  Children are very impressionable at that age.  It surely messed with my developing brain.  I have undoubtedly been carrying around some serious mental baggage from it that will stick with me until I die, like one of those nasty STDs you get from banging a Tai hooker.  Instead of letting your kid watch Mary Poppins, do them a favor and just give them herpes instead.  They’ll be better off.

But instead of having a parent who loved me and would never do that to an innocent child, I was subjected to a crazed musical countless times over and now I am incredibly attracted to Marry Poppins.  That’s the amazing part.  It freaks me out but I can’t help it.  Maybe it’s something about her outfit and the way she speaks.  She’s all proper and has a nice British accent.  She has really great hair too.  And nice hats.  That has always sort of done it for me.  It’s enough for me to excuse the fact that she probably abuses LSD on a regular basis.  In my defense, when the film came out Julie Andrews was only 29, so not all that much older than I am now.  I tested to see if maybe I just have the hots for a young Ms. Andrews.  I threw on The Sound of Music.  Nothing.  I actually sort of hoped the Germans would kill her whiny, singing ass.  Victor Victora?  Too old already.  Cinderella?  She was my age in that film but I’m not feeling it.  No, I don’t care for Julie Andrews.  That’s not it at all.

While I was visiting Albany over the holidays, one of my best friends had me chart out my ideal woman.  He thinks I’m a sad, lonely bastard who drinks too much and needs a nice girl to make me happy.  This activity was supposed to help.  It involved describing this elusive damsel’s disposition, personality, interests, tastes, desires, and of course her body.  I had to come up with places I might meet her, the first thing I’d say to her, and how I might go about seeing her again.  It filled up several pages of a Moleskin and took multiple cups of coffee to finish at the Ultraviolet Cafe (trying desperately to relate this to Albany somehow).  Of course I just had to run Mary Poppins through this gauntlet of dissection.  She didn’t do too well.  She got points for her looks and having a fashionable wardrobe.  I figured she can cook pretty well and probably has a nurturing side even if she is a total cunt.  Personality suffered a dreadful loss however.  I doubt we’d have much in common.  I definitely wouldn’t be running into her outside a Scorsese flick.  But I don’t care.  I still want to do nasty, perverted things to her.

This has been a difficult revelation for me to live with.  For the longest time as a child, being raised by an athiest, whenever people talked about God, I thought they were talking about Godzilla and they were just abbreviating it.  When I found out what they were actually talking about I was very confused and my insides felt funny.  That’s how I’ve felt the last month.  Maybe I’m overreacting.

I think this might have leapt the boundary from comical into bizarre.  Actually, I think it sprinted across that boundary naked almost five paragraphs ago.  I’m writing this with my friend Jim Beam and he whispers peculiar things in my ear while I’m trying to think – stops the dogs from barking at least.  I suppose I’ll just end with a warning: If there are any pretty, nice, optionally intelligent girls out there (preferably with a Mary Poppins costume), who are willing to talk to me, prepare to be fantasized about in really weird ways.

Party with Tina Mix 2

Duncan and I slapped this together a few nights ago when we were snowed in. Fun little mix to get your dance on to! If you’re really in a dancy mood, check out the B-more mix Scotty posted, it rules really, really hard. Anyway, enjoy.

Take 2 Mix by ents

Scotty’s Music Monday: Bmore Club and Shout out to me

I am Scott Birdsey, born and raised here, and I’m gonna be posting up tracks and mixtapes that will make you pee your pants and otherwise might’ve passed you by. I’m real down with mostly all of the regional club music thats been coming out in the y2k. I DJ and make tracks as Mycon, and do parties and mixtapes with Looney as Deep Children.

I also started a moped gang in Albany called Mohawk Mammoths, so I might end up throwing up some moped porn on here to try and recruit some more kids who want to ride around on toys from the 70s. We sandblast and powdercoat too if you got a bicycle or headgear you want done.

Anyone who’s been to any of our parties has heard me play B-more, cause it was the first real outsider club music I fell in love with. It bounces around in content between raunchy, comical, block party feel good, and Lil’ Jon. 90% of B-more is built around one of two breaks – Sing Sing by Gaz or Think by Lyn Collins. Hollertronix and a few others brought it out of Bmore around 2003, but it had been knocking clubs and radio in the city for more than 10 years before then.

Anyway Dubstep and London in general has kinda killed B-more, at least for the hipster types, but there’s still bangers being made in kid’s basements and it’s still going hard in Philly, Baltimore, and in random cities with DJs like me.

Bottom line is there’s a deep culture around it, like any good regional dance music, and if you’re into it, you can go way down the rabbit-hole going back through its roots. Here is a recent mixtape from DJ Sega, one of the best:

[audio:https://keepalbanyboring.com/deliverables/DJSEGA-Best-of-Club-Music-2010.mp3″] or download [original source here, baltimore-club.com]

1] Let’s Start This Shit Off – Rod Lee
2] Hard In The Paint – Sliink
3] Hit Me Wit Da Hornz (DJ’s Name) – Rod Lee
4] Yeah – Booman
5] Takeover – King Tutt
6] Warface – Booman
7] Kacks (Katz) – KW Griff and Porkchop
8] Kacks Remix – KW Griff and Porkchop
9] Massive Attack – Sliink
10] Shut Up – Rod Lee

Anyway, if you’re looking for something that’s killing it right now, you should check out the Night Slugs sound

Editor’s note: This was scheduled to be published Tuesday. Monday, Tuesday, same thing. Other than Roska on Rinse.fm.

Duncan’s Music Monday: Keep Albany Weighty

While just relaxing with the internet, it become infinitely easier to find cool shit. WIth that said I’m going to highlight a few dubstep tracks that are in my opinion good. These tracks may not be real new in terms of their release, but are new to my ears. *Read this with a cockney accent.

Far East Movement – Like a G6 (Dexcell Dubstep Remix) by Dexcell UK

Recently female leads in dubstep songs have become the object of my affection. Almost no matter what track it is, if there is a female lead I will like it substantially more. This remix by Dexcell does a good job at not over emphasizing the wobble. There are so many hyper electro dubstep songs coming out with female leads that when something like this skips along it should be highlighted. THe song treats the chorus differently allowing the dance floor to switch their footstyle and prep for the drop. Overall its just a solid track. Slow and Low right till the end.

The Glitch Mob-Drive It Like You Stole It-(GladKill Remix) by Gladkill

Glitchy dubstep when well executed is always very well received by my ears. This track has a nice low booming bass line and a fairly clean easy to follow progression of tone. Just a nice relaxed jingle.

Chase & Status – Blind Faith (ft. Liam Bailey) by ALXRSE

This track just speaks for itself. Its just massive and the builds in it are real top notch. Just big and full figured. MASSIVE CHUNE.

Lunice – Fancy Forty (Rustie Remix) by frankyboy

Rustie is what I would consider a power producer. He uses leading synth parts to really drive the track along. What I like the most is the simplicity that his songs have in their construction. It reminds me of 00-04 popular rap tracks but in a more refined way. He hits it out of the park with this catchy remix.

This week on the internet

Cesar Milan is coming to the Palace on March 27th
Some dickhead wants last call in Albany to be 2am.

Adam Ekberg can make awesome art with flashlights and balloons.
Miskha posted a great article about the history of Untold in dubstep.
Smart people are making letterpresses using LEGO bricks, with awesome results.

Banksy might get an oscar.
Olek knitted the Wall st bull.
Apple passed $300b market cap.
Someone skiied quite fast down Park ave in NYC during the blizzard.
The nutso shooter guy from AZ has some super weirdo videos on his YouTube.
Andrew Wonder and Steve Duncan a film about urban exploration in NYC. A must watch.