Where You Went Wrong

Up until this point in my life I had been working towards something.  The only time I remember differently was as a small child but as I’ve grown older and started drinking like a total fucking lunatic almost every night, I find myself resorting more towards that infant state.  Drunken Matthew and Matthew circa 1988 have remarkably similar habits.  I fall asleep in positions that no one in their right mind would describe as comfortable.  I can’t form a coherent sentence.  Get grumpy for no reason.  Storm out of rooms mumbling. Talk to stuffed animals.  Yell at doors.  Throw things.  Drool on myself.  Wake up and can’t find the bathroom and cry about it, or even worse, wake up covered in my own urine (at least I hope it’s my own urine).  The more I drink the more I have in common with toddlers.  The only possible conclusion is that I’ve found the fountain of youth, out of which pours forth a time traveling elixir known as alcohol.  I can’t say I have a lot of substantial evidence or logic to back this as a scientific theory but I’m prepared to continue my research with an utter disregard for my own health.  I do it for the children.  I’m sure there will be doubters. But people doubted Newton and then he invented the cat flap.  I very possibly didn’t make that up.  I think he did some other shit involving gravity too but the cats didn’t fair as well in those experiments.

I’ve had various goals just about my entire life.  I wanted to learn to read, I wanted to escape elementary school, I wanted to escape middle school, I wanted to have sex with almost every girl I went to high school with (I failed to attain 100% of that goal by the way), I wanted a car, I wanted to get the fuck out of Gloversville, I wanted to graduate college, I wanted to leave New York…. and then something happened.  I hit a brick wall and it all stopped.  I don’t even know what I want for Christmas anymore.  I guess I’d like to want again.  It’s an odd emptiness, not really unpleasant, just a little funny feeling.  It’s like I’m missing out – some party I wasn’t invited to but all the cool kids are going.

I am all of a sudden skeptical of my “alcohol as a facilitator of eternal youth” hypothesis – you know a theory is good if it only takes you eleven sentences to start questioning it.  Drinking to solve your problems is a bit like trying to kill your enemy by shooting him through your own head.  It is impressive looking and oftentimes hysterical for sure, but you do wind up with a rather large and unpleasant hole in your skull.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to quit drinking.  My mamma didn’t raise no quitter, but perhaps I’ll consider other ways to occupy my time.  They say a man needs a hobby and by they I mean idiots.  I’m thinking either model trains or not collecting stamps.

Besides bestowing feline society with the great flappy door entrance, Newton also suggested this notion that light was made up of these tiny so called corpuscles and that matter was made up of grosser corpuscles and they interacted on some chemical level.  Personally, I think he should have slapped a patent on that cat flap invention of his and retired.  He was totally wrong about those corpuscles of course, postulating these ideas well before our modern quantum understanding of the wave-particle duality of light, and unsurprisingly, likely pulled a mad hatter in his later years, dying of mercury poisoning from his experiments with alchemy.  So I know a few things I don’t want, e.g. dying of mercury poisoning is remarkably low on my New Year’s resolution list.  I hope that’s a start.

I am looking forward to returning to New York for the holidays.  I have a rather miserable car waiting for me and a handful of people who make me smile.  Somehow I managed to convince myself I needed to move to Austin because I had something to run away from.  Turns out no matter how far or fast you run, yourself has a nagging habit of catching up with you.  I thought I needed to get further away, so much so I wrote a terrible song about it and made my friend sing it, but I think I missed some crucial truth in my panic.  Of all the things I should want, I suppose I ought to want to be me first.  Maybe I’ll work on that and while I’m at it I’ll try to be less of an emo pussy who says things like I should want to be me.  I need a new haircut.  I part it but then it falls down on the one side and I look like an assbag.

Despite a haircut that seems to fit right in here, Austin continues to exist only as a backdrop to my empty set.  The audience never showed, likely because I never invited them.  It’s only me on stage, sitting atop my throne of alcohol.  It makes me forget for a while but I can’t seem to escape the fact that returning to Albany feels like going home.

Deep Children x Keep Albany Boring Mixtape!

Well would you just look at that. My good buddies Deep Children have hooked it up super proper with a promo mixtape for the big New Years event we’ve got set up. A bunch of original Deep Children stuff in the mix, as well as a healthy serving of (actually good) dubstep and some nice bits of UK Funky for good measure. Hit that play button already! The little downward arrow in the player below will download this mix so you can get hyphy on your iPhone/iPod/Android/Wackberry.

Be sure not to miss the post below this with all the details about Deep Children DJing The Marketplace Gallery for New Years!

Deep Children X Keep Albany Boring by mycon deep

Tracklisting
Girl Unit – Showstoppa
Taz – Gold Tooth Grin
SRC – Ryoku
Terror Danjah – Air Bubble
Blawan – Iddy
Pearson Sound – Blanked
Girl Unit – IRL (Bok Bok remix)
Dubbel Dutch – Pulso
Breach – Fatherless
Redlight ft Ms Dynamite – What You Talking About? (Roska remix)
Redlight ft Ms Dynamite – What You Talking About? (Original)
Doc Daneeka – Drums in the Deep
Fis T – Night Hunter
Mosca – Square One VIP
Slackk – FIreflies
Lil Silva – Perfussion
Marco Del Horno – Ho! Riddim
The Hundred in the Hands – Pigeons (Blawan’s Bare Bones remix)
Ramadanman – Grab Somebody
Subeena – Wishful Talk (Ghosts On Tape remix)
Mommas Boy vs Mikix the Cat – At Night
Julio Bashmore – Batak Groove
Sepalcure – Love Pressure
Sinister Souls – Crackdown
Reso – Technetium (Vent Remix)
Looney – Limited Space
Kanji Kinetic – Zombiezz
Freestylers ft. Pendulum – Painkiller (Kouncilhouse Remix)
Bassnectar & Datsik – YES
Vent – Shogun of The Dark
Mimosa – Pushing Up Daisies
Zeds Dead ft. Omar LinX – Out For Blood
Looney – Clean Living
Starkey – Starting Gates
Soulja Boy – Pretty Boy Swag (Cyberoptix Remix)
Torqux & Twist – Master Debator
Liquid Stranger – Step By Step
DJ-Me – Beastiality
Pariah – Safehouses

Keep Albany Boring x Deep Children x Marketplace Gallery New Years!

Too many broken up house parties right as it was getting fun. Too many shitty venues with shitty music charging $10 covers and making you suffer through that same played out song. This is thrown by your friends and the money will go to keeping the gallery running, this website hosted, and getting Deep Children their own sound system; not some dickheads venue owner’s BMW payment. You owe it to yourself to come support your friends and have the best New Years possible!

It wouldn’t be without the help of The Marketplace Gallery and Deep Children that this would be possible. Do yourself a favor and click those links and see what they’re about if you don’t know!

How To Leave Albany

nycPhoto Andrew Franciosa

If you find someone you like I highly suggest you ignore that person as best you can.  It’ll make this easier.

Think of all the ways you could die.  Decide on the the worst one.  Then think how much worse it would be if when it happened you were in….

Poughkeepsie.  That’s how far I got before my road trip to my new and exciting life had become a long and boring car ride through the depths of hell a.k.a Pennsylvania. The fog and blinding headlights of oncoming traffic took their toll and my head began to throb.  When I finally stopped at a Denny’s in Virginia and watched the sun rise over a strip mall it was quite possibly the most beautiful thing I had ever witnessed.  But to be honest, I could have stepped out of my car and seen two cats blowing each other and I would have been just as happy.  Also, Pennsylvanian roads are constantly under construction.  I think when they get to the end of one they just start back at the beginning again.  Big fucking mystery.  Been losing sleep over it.

I think we all reach our Poughkeepsie at some point.  And this is where I’m supposed to say something inspiringly lame like you need to keep driving and wait for the sunrise.  Well the sun rose over a Denny’s.  It was about as poetic as passing a kidney stone.  It’s just that I was so delirious from sleep deprivation I practically became the double rainbow guy.  Fuck double rainbow guy.  And fuck rainbows for that matter too.  The refractive index of a raindrop does not impress me.

So how do you leave Albany?

I suppose the first step is to realize that there’s something better somewhere else.  That’s certainly easy enough but the rest gets considerably harder and it helps if you start warping your vision of the world.  Take everything you see and view it through the lens of apathy, depression, or if you’re a real sick puppy, optimism.  I say this because the first two leave a whispered possibility of being better than you had anticipated.  Optimism or hope or whatever positive outlook you manage to twist your aspirations through will just end in sad realization.  It is best if you just embrace being unhappy and decide maybe it’d be interesting to be unhappy somewhere else.  There are so many people and things not to like there’s no reason to limit yourself to one place.

Also, make sure you realize the reason you’re unhappy and want to leave isn’t because you live in a shitty place but because you are in fact a shitty person.  People love to say Albany sucks.  Well, chances are, you suck.  You’re probably not a very interesting person and there’s a fair possibility everybody thinks you’re frightfully unattractive.  Don’t leave because you think you’re better than the place you’re leaving or better than the people who live there.  You are very likely not.  You are statistically mediocre in every way and only a small handful of people will truly miss you when you’re gone.

So, now that you’ve gotten yourself in the right mind set, it’s time to pack your bags.  If you need instructions or help with this I highly recommend you shoot yourself in the face.  I will give some advice though: everything needs to fit into the trunk and backseat of your car (you do have a car right?), if you own more than two trash bags worth of clothes and shoes I hate you, don’t bring any furniture or anything large and completely unnecessary like a three foot framed picture of your ugly ass dog, and if you’re going someplace hot please remember vinyl records can easily melt.  Lastly, before you pack your car, toss a fat man in the passenger seat.  Do this because, either like me you brought a fat man with you on your trip, or because I figure that’s how much spare room you’re going to want for all the cases of Red Bull and Hostess cupcakes you’re going to consume on your journey.  Be careful with the energy drinks and cupcakes by the way, if you drink three of those things and pound four cupcakes in a one hour period, you will shit out your soul at the next rest stop.  You might also want the room for picking up hookers, serial killer drifters, or possibly but unlikely, a nice boy/girl you meet on your way.

Give yourself a month to announce your departure, quit your job, and say your goodbyes.  Get everything sorted out sooner rather than later so you can spend your last week without the worries of traveling.  Don’t try and see everybody.  Most of your so called friends aren’t worth it.  Focus on the few people you actually care about and leave the rest to show up at your going away party at a crappy Albany bar of your choosing.  Most won’t show and you shouldn’t care.  If you do then maybe you’re not ready to leave yet.  Try and have sex with everybody you have been wanting to have sex with.  The going away forever thing seems to be an effective ammunition for gettin’ laid.  Have sex with someone regrettable while you’re at it too.  Give yourself one last thing to be happy to see fade away in your rearview mirror.

Hopefully you’ve settled on somewhere to go at this point and you’re not just running off to get raped or killed in the moonlight of an unfamiliar city.  I recommend giving Seattle a shot.  People tell me it’s great and it has a high suicide rate.  Get in your car and leave at night.  There’s something calming about driving away in the dark.

You have started again, but when you arrive at your new home and gaze upon its buildings and its people, remember, everything ends.  If you’re lucky you’ll be somewhere nice when it does.