Quality events for this weekend vol 2

thursday 5/5
8pm, cinco de mayo fiesta with the lucky jukebox brigade [fbook]

8pm, ed sanders poetry reading (look this dude up, trust me) [link]

friday 5/6
5pm, sunny side of the street band @ ben & jerry’s [fbook]

6pm, 50 liters: art by leah rappaport [fbook]

5:30pm, drawn together featuring melodie provenzano and philippe simille [fbook]

5-9pm, complete list of albany’s 1st friday events [fbook]

8pm, american handjob, summer people and vessels [fbook]

10pm, bass!mint w/ mux mool (in new paltz) [fbook]

saturday 5/7
6pm, vegan bbq potluck + bold native screening [fbook]

7pm, title fight, lemuria, caleb lionheart, gunning bedford (in oneonta) [fbook]

7:30pm, your average under publicized little show at rpi PHANTOGRAM [link]

9pm, underground system afrobeat [fbook]

and, well, duh:
saturday and sunday
the 63rd annual tulip fest [fbook]

to refresh your memory, read up here and feel free to refer to the keep albany boring survival guide if you have any questions or concerns at any given moment. be sure to keep an eye out for us.. there’s a chance we’ll be documenting the scene bro safari style..

also, don’t forget:
sunday, mother’s day
whatever the women in your life want to do, you’ll also do

and last, but not least, all weekend is the ringing bros circus at the times union center. i sincerely hope you guys are compassionate and smart enough to realize that circuses are thinly veiled lucrative fronts for brutal animal abuse. friday puppy wrote a post a while back on how to help stop them from coming to albany. do your part.

The Fabled Semen Tree

Since you spent the weekend outside, procrastinating all your work for finals, you might have gotten a chance to see some spring flowering action. This of course takes a turn for the worse when you get near those pretty white trees that smell like rank semen.

The Pyrus calleryana Chanticleer, more commonly known as “The Semen Tree” is planted throughout Albany as a decorative touch in front of brownstones. Also known as an Ornamental pear tree or a Bradford pear, this tree has even made it to urban dictionary, where it is described as smelling “like a cross between old semen, dirty vagina, and rotting fried shrimp.”

I first caught the whiff on North Pearl and my first thought was cow manure. With further investigation, (and by further investigation I mean a serious deep breath inwards while the small whitish-green flowers engulfed the middle section of my face) it was clear that this tree wasn’t taking me on a trip back to Vermont; It was taking me somewhere far more personal. So I’m advising you now; take note of the picture so you can A: avoid this tree at all costs or B: Go smell it for yourself.

Edit: Semen tree related comedy sketch via @residualninja.

Unofficial TweetzzaPizza FAQ

Have you ever found yourself in Albany on a Saturday with no cell service, stuck in a room with a computer that for some strange reason will only load Twitter, and a burning desire to eat pizza at an unspecified time later that night? Also, your car was jacked so you can’t drive anywhere. And, your legs are broken so you can’t walk to probably the hundreds of pizza joints you could hit with a rock from the roof of your apartment. Oh yeah, and all of your roommates recently died from snakebites on the Oregon Trail so you can’t have any of them go and get you pizza either.

That’s never happened to you? Huh.

Well, fuck it, you should probably order from TweetzzaPizza anyway. The food is good, it’s reasonably priced, and a bearded man will deliver it directly to your face so you can eat it. That’s right, TweetzzaPizza exclusively hires men with facial hair.

I understand you may be hesitant to order from an establishment with no real location, management, or health standards.  I am here to put your reservations to rest.

I don’t have a Twitter account. What are you Amish? Make one. My grandma has a Twitter account.

I don’t know how to use Twitter. I guess you don’t get to eat some kick-ass pizza then. I don’t know what else to say. But, seriously, if you’re too stupid to figure out how to use Twitter, you’re probably so stupid you’ll try to eat the pizza with your ass anyway, and that’s not how TweetzzaPizza is best enjoyed.

But I already ordered pizza from somewhere else before I read this. Throw it out. Wait for the real deal to come. Awesomeness of this caliber is worth the wait. You won’t regret it.

Dude, I’m so high right now I don’t know if I can type. Go outside and stand around like you really want pizza and TweetzzaPizza will find you. Trust me.

But it’s cold out. Shut up hypothetical high dude. You live in New York. Suck it up.

Wait, what was that bit about a lack of health standards? Nobody has died yet from eating TweetzzaPizza.

My friend told me there’s this really great pizza place on Lark that… They’re lying to you. Don’t listen to them. In fact, kill the person who said that.

Do they have t-shirts? You can bet your motherfucking hipster-ass Ray-Bans they’ve got t-shirts.

How much are they? No idea. Make them an offer. They love to haggle.

Okay, fine, I’ll order from TweetzzaPizza. What kind of toppings do they have? It doesn’t matter. They’ll bring you something, you’ll eat, and you’ll like it.

But I’m a vegetarian. That’s fine. TweetzzaPizza recognizes there are people like you with completely irrational philosophies and they make some cheese pizza you can eat.

I’m vegan. I don’t eat cheese because we’re like totally enslaving the cows that give us the milk and stuff. TweetzzaPizza doesn’t like you and prefers not to do business with you. Also, you’re an idiot.

I think the pizzas are like $8 maybe. I don’t really know. Make sure you’ve got $15 because the bearded man who shows up at your door is going to be so sexy and hipster you’ll probably want to give him a huge tip (Editor’s note: just the tip or he’ll fall in love Author’s Note: quit editing my shit Andrew) and then possibly blow him. TweetzzaPizza is fine with that, in fact it’s encouraged, but keep in mind they are on a time frame so make it quick.

I hope as a person with no affiliation with TweetzzaPizza, and who is certainly not speaking on their behalf, I have answered your questions that I kindly made up for you so you wouldn’t have to. Have a nice day.