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My Unanswered Dating Site Messages

These are some of the ones I sent that didn’t get a reply. Because I’m such a considerate fella, I rated what I remember my level of drunkenness being at the time.

“Hey, you seem cool but you’re too tall for me so don’t bother responding to this. Thanks.”
Drunkenness: I’d had a few.

“This is where I’m supposed to come up with something witty based on your profile in the hope that you’ll respond, but I think a girl who likes waffles would see right through that…”
Her profile said she liked waffles, obviously.
Drunkenness: Slightly more than a few.

“I was so discouraged by your “you should message me if” section that I decided there’s no fucking way I’m passing up this opportunity to be rejected.”
Drunkenness: Quite a few.

Okay, in my defense, this girl’s profile said she liked puns and only a guy who could hold his own in a dance-off should message her. I’m not proud of this, nor am I proud of the fact that it took me twenty minutes to come up with it.
“I’m pretty sure I could hold my own in a dance-off with you being that I majored in physics and minored in mathematics. I have algorithm.”
Drunkenness: Totally sober.

Her profile specifically said no creeps.
“I actually was a creeper for a while but they fired me for being too much of a fucking gentlemen. Was holding doors and shitting. Coffee want maybe something sometime toaster?”
Drunkenness: Embarrassingly drunk.

“.emitemos em htiw eeffoc teg ot ekil d’uoy ebyam gnikniht saw I”
Found that gem a good week after I apparently wrote it. Had to stare at it for a moment before I realized it was written backwards. I have no fucking clue why I would have done that.
Drunkenness: Mentally unstable drunk.

“test message please ignore”
Drunkenness: That drunk level where you think you’re being really witty but aren’t.

“My favorite swear word is cuntflaps. What’s yours?”
I’m really sorry about sending that one. I don’t remember doing it. I almost didn’t think it was me somehow when I read it the next day, but then I looked at the profile of the girl I sent it to. It was some super right wing conservative Christian. That’s totally something I would think was funny.
Drunkenness: This one goes to eleven.

This girl said she only responds if she thinks you’re cute.
“Am I cute enough? I don’t really care to talk to you; I’m just drunk and felt like validating myself.”
Drunkenness: Depressed drunk.

“I stay up late at night and do scientific bear analysis wearing just a labcoat. Care to join me?”
I think I meant to write beer analysis, not bear analysis, but who knows.
Drunkenness: Pervert drunk.

“Did you know Mr. Snuffleupagus has a first name?”
Drunkenness: Cute drunk.

“What’s your favorite dinosaur?”
Drunkenness: Geek drunk.

“I know beauty is a vain thing to comment on, but I couldn’t help but tell you that you remind me a lot of a young Audrey Hepburn in your pictures. You have this wonderful Breakfast At Tiffany’s thing going on. Please don’t ever change that.”
Drunkenness: Emo drunk.

“I read once that the great white shark is similar to a serial killer in the sense that neither of them kill at random. They stalk specific victims…so, do you want to go on a date with me or do you want to go in the trunk?”
Drunkenness: Rapey drunk.

“Not to be a dick lady, but your profile says the first thing people usually notice about you is your eyes and your sense of humor. Seriously? You’re in a fucking wheel chair. You have no legs. There’s no fucking way the first thing people notice about you is your sense of humor. Sorry, but that’s just bullshit. I’m a little dude. I’m not going to say I have a nine inch penis and am six feet tall because people are going to be sorely disappointed when they meet me. You almost sneak it past people in your pictures. I didn’t even notice it at first but I can tell you’re a paraplegic. You’re not fooling me. And you fail to mention your shortcoming (why don’t you chew on that pun for a bit) anywhere in your profile. How fucking taken aback would someone be if they decided to go on a date with you and they get to your place only to discover you wheeling your broken ass down a ramp? You should be ashamed. That would not be cool. That information needs to be front and center. Go change your screen name to ihavenolegs. Have some self respect. Besides, isn’t there like a dating site for cripples and tards that you can go on?”
Drunkenness: Awesome drunk.

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