DeVall

All articles by DeVall

 

Harry Potter And The Something Of Bad Scary Stuff Part 2

This is my review of the latest, and supposedly the last, of the Harry Potter movies, which I couldn’t remember the name of and was too lazy to look up. I should probably note that I haven’t read any of the books and I think magic is stupid. It’s probably also worth noting that I
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Act Nice And Gentle To Me

I took a philosophy course once in college, and I think I’d rather drag my dick through a mile of broken glass before ever doing that again. It wasn’t the fact that the entire thing was the intellectual equivalent of shitting in your hand and throwing it against the wall that made me so apathetic;
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What we have to look forward to, if we’re lucky.

This isn’t funny. Sorry. I guess you ought to stop reading now if that’s what you wanted, unless you’d like to laugh at how bad the prose is. I’d write about my exploits with the current girl I’m seeing, which have been filled with a fair amount of humor, but things have actually been going
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Sex, Lies, and French 75’s

Girl Number Five Lying is often hysterical and I thoroughly encourage people to take advantage of opportunities to do so, though I do not suggest looking to me for advice. Socially, I am barely adept enough to tell the little white lies we all depend on, and usually rely on an abrasive mix of tactless
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My Unanswered Dating Site Messages

These are some of the ones I sent that didn’t get a reply. Because I’m such a considerate fella, I rated what I remember my level of drunkenness being at the time. “Hey, you seem cool but you’re too tall for me so don’t bother responding to this. Thanks.” Drunkenness: I’d had a few. “This
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Somebody Bet Me I Couldn’t Write A KAB Post Without Cursing

That person can go fuck off. Some cars are boring. Other cars are so boring it could only be a result of special effort. A grey Ford Focus sedan will get you where you want to go in the most mediocre fashion possible. It won’t get you there fast. It won’t be a fun ride,
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Unofficial TweetzzaPizza FAQ

Have you ever found yourself in Albany on a Saturday with no cell service, stuck in a room with a computer that for some strange reason will only load Twitter, and a burning desire to eat pizza at an unspecified time later that night? Also, your car was jacked so you can’t drive anywhere. And,
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You Can’t Always Get What You Want And I Didn’t

Date 1 It was as if Salvidor Dali’s and Ambrose E. Burnside’s facial hair had met and made sweet, passionate love to one another. I was outmustached by half the men in the room. My hair wasn’t long enough. My pants weren’t tight enough. My sweater vest wasn’t sweater vesty enough. My coffee was sure
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This Isn’t How You Do It

legit news can suck it Due to the obnoxious heckling from several of my coworkers, I reluctantly joined some stupid online dating service. So far I’m doing pretty well. I received messages from three fat chicks and a girl who listed bi-polar disorder under the “First Things People Usually Notice About Me” category – I’m
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Don’t Take Me Home Until I’m Drunk

With the recent amount of actual news and reporting on KAB, I imagine the bullshit they let me put on here will seem even more out of place than usual.  “I sabotaged her computer so she would have to call me to fix it.  That way I’d get to talk to her.  Oh, and I
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Another verbose article full of hyperbole… and quite a bit of obscenity

I dedicate this to “Pete” who I sincerely hope goes and fucks himself. The novelty of having your own apartment is quickly extinguished after you take your first crap with the bathroom door open and jerk off in your kitchen a couple times.  After about a week of that you realize, not only are you
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I’m Trying To Find This Girl

There was this girl in middle school who was pretty, and nice, and she talked to me once.  That was enough for me to fall in love with her.  I’d like to think I’ve matured since then but that’s still about all it takes.  By my count, I fall in love on average about four
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Where You Went Wrong

Up until this point in my life I had been working towards something.  The only time I remember differently was as a small child but as I’ve grown older and started drinking like a total fucking lunatic almost every night, I find myself resorting more towards that infant state.  Drunken Matthew and Matthew circa 1988
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How To Leave Albany

Photo Andrew Franciosa If you find someone you like I highly suggest you ignore that person as best you can.  It’ll make this easier. Think of all the ways you could die.  Decide on the the worst one.  Then think how much worse it would be if when it happened you were in…. Poughkeepsie.  That’s
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How to get a job, move to an awesome city, and not care.

[tweetmeme]I have never been surrounded by such a pervasive horde of happy people than I have in Austin. I have not caught site of a frown, a tear, or even an unsettled face in the month I’ve lived here. Folks go about their days in such a blissful state I thought for a while the
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