Have you ever found yourself in Albany on a Saturday with no cell service, stuck in a room with a computer that for some strange reason will only load Twitter, and a burning desire to eat pizza at an unspecified time later that night? Also, your car was jacked so you can’t drive anywhere. And, your legs are broken so you can’t walk to probably the hundreds of pizza joints you could hit with a rock from the roof of your apartment. Oh yeah, and all of your roommates recently died from snakebites on the Oregon Trail so you can’t have any of them go and get you pizza either.
That’s never happened to you? Huh.
Well, fuck it, you should probably order from TweetzzaPizza anyway. The food is good, it’s reasonably priced, and a bearded man will deliver it directly to your face so you can eat it. That’s right, TweetzzaPizza exclusively hires men with facial hair.
I understand you may be hesitant to order from an establishment with no real location, management, or health standards. I am here to put your reservations to rest.
I don’t have a Twitter account. What are you Amish? Make one. My grandma has a Twitter account.
I don’t know how to use Twitter. I guess you don’t get to eat some kick-ass pizza then. I don’t know what else to say. But, seriously, if you’re too stupid to figure out how to use Twitter, you’re probably so stupid you’ll try to eat the pizza with your ass anyway, and that’s not how TweetzzaPizza is best enjoyed.
But I already ordered pizza from somewhere else before I read this. Throw it out. Wait for the real deal to come. Awesomeness of this caliber is worth the wait. You won’t regret it.
Dude, I’m so high right now I don’t know if I can type. Go outside and stand around like you really want pizza and TweetzzaPizza will find you. Trust me.
But it’s cold out. Shut up hypothetical high dude. You live in New York. Suck it up.
Wait, what was that bit about a lack of health standards? Nobody has died yet from eating TweetzzaPizza.
My friend told me there’s this really great pizza place on Lark that… They’re lying to you. Don’t listen to them. In fact, kill the person who said that.
Do they have t-shirts? You can bet your motherfucking hipster-ass Ray-Bans they’ve got t-shirts.
How much are they? No idea. Make them an offer. They love to haggle.
Okay, fine, I’ll order from TweetzzaPizza. What kind of toppings do they have? It doesn’t matter. They’ll bring you something, you’ll eat, and you’ll like it.
But I’m a vegetarian. That’s fine. TweetzzaPizza recognizes there are people like you with completely irrational philosophies and they make some cheese pizza you can eat.
I’m vegan. I don’t eat cheese because we’re like totally enslaving the cows that give us the milk and stuff. TweetzzaPizza doesn’t like you and prefers not to do business with you. Also, you’re an idiot.
I think the pizzas are like $8 maybe. I don’t really know. Make sure you’ve got $15 because the bearded man who shows up at your door is going to be so sexy and hipster you’ll probably want to give him a huge tip (Editor’s note: just the tip or he’ll fall in love Author’s Note: quit editing my shit Andrew) and then possibly blow him. TweetzzaPizza is fine with that, in fact it’s encouraged, but keep in mind they are on a time frame so make it quick.
I hope as a person with no affiliation with TweetzzaPizza, and who is certainly not speaking on their behalf, I have answered your questions that I kindly made up for you so you wouldn’t have to. Have a nice day.