How to Maintain a Job you Hate Vol. 1

Now, most of you should realize that you should never keep a job you hate. But there seem to be reasons in life that suggest otherwise. Maybe it’s that you can’t get another job, or that you’ve been trying for several months, and nothing has sprung up – or maybe you’re finally realizing that your Major in college was really not such a good idea and that you really should just go back to grad school (and more specifically Law, or Medical school!). Or just that this country sucks and you won’t get another good job for a while -so you’re stuck. Whatever the reason is, there are plenty of ways, and I do mean plenty, to keep yourself happy at that job that you absolutely loathe.

Let us get into the mess a little and then I’ll backtrack a bit. I work in shoe retail – let that be the premise. Yesterday, I called in to work. I don’t often actually do this, mostly because my job is complete bullshit and I don’t really work hard to help the people I should be helping. I also don’t really do any of the job duties, in fact, after a certain amount of time, seniority actually equals incompetence. If your boss says not to do something just once, let that mean that you should never do it again. About a year ago my boss said to me just once, “I don’t know what’s going on with the deposit company, but just let me call in the deposits for the rest of the week and I’ll figure it out.” I haven’t called in a deposit since. If she inquires, I’ll make something up like, “Yeah, I can never get them to actually answer a call.” or literally anything. Pretty much just make it up and you’re golden. It saves about six minutes every shift, which is more than worth it.

The other thing I do is blame the technology: Now, I seem to think I’m exceptionally good at this, because it’s known (by them) I’m a Mac user living in the world of Windows NT and 2000 or whatever the fuck my shitty job uses. So anything that happens, I don’t know any of the proper methods to fix it… unfortunately, I am actually better than most of them at fixing the computer. I still use it to my advantage: I haven’t actually accepted inventory in over a year, nor have I properly transferred anything to another store. But, I really should get back to the initial point. I called out of work yesterday. Not because I wanted to, but because I actually had to. I had to attend a concert, that was inconveniently rescheduled on the only day, yes, the only day, I work every week at this place. So I called out. The first thing you have to realize is that, the boss is doing you a favor always, and you should seem to be indebted to them completely and forever, even though you couldn’t give a shit. And also, it’s always someone else’s fault.

I call in, ask for the manager, and say first, “Did *someone’s name* tell you I couldn’t work today?” If the answer is no, which it will be, then you say, “ Oh, god really? I told him/her at least twice that I couldn’t be in today!” Explain that you’re sorry you can’t come, and give a completely ridiculous explanation as to why you really can’t come. Don’t use deaths, you’ll run out of grandparents so fast it’s not funny – instead use scheduling issues. Yes, claim that your life, although dull and boring, is filled with other things that are more pertinent than the job. This does two things: It lets the boss know that the job is not your number one priority, and it allows them to also realize that it’s not anything you actually care about. So if you seem to be a good employee, they’ll want to keep you even more! And, to be honest, the shittier job you do, the more they’ll want to keep you. Next time we’ll talk about how to make the actual work fun (which is easier than you think).

Next ArticleRecap: DADFAG, Girls of Porn and Friends of the Library @ UAG 9/15/2010